"The unique function of the nurse is to assist the individual, sick or well, in the performance of those activities contributing to health or its recovery (or to peaceful death) that he would perform unaided if he had the necessary strength, will, or knowledge; and to do this in such a way as to help him gain independence as rapidly as possible." -Virginia Henderson

During my last semester in nursing school I took a class on nursing theory. It was an intro level grad school course, so most of the people in the class were already practicing nurses who were coming back for an advance practice degree. I think most of us went into that class expecting to hate it. It was a about nursing theorists...people who did research...eww...(or so I thought). Most of the most vocal people in that class did hate it. I was very surprised, but somehow I found myself in the minority. I loved that class! It was a lot of work, but oddly enough, I found that I did really well and liked how it made me think. It was surprising to me that it seemed like almost everyone thought it was so painful.

It's strange, but for some reason people in clinical practice seem to have a knee-jerk negative reaction to anything "research" or "theory" related. I understand that reaction a little better now having be working in the clinical setting for a while now. A lot of times the theory or research seems impractical or not applicable to real life nursing. It makes me sad though, because it shouldn't be!

For the class, our final paper was to choose one of the mainstream nursing theorists and analyze their work. I did mine on Virginia Henderson and her philosophy of nursing. That quote I started this post with was one of her key definitions of what she saw as the primary functions of nursing. I loved it at the time because it was so practical. If you know me, you know that I like tangible, practical things. Reading that quote again today, I am struck with how much sense it makes to me still. I work on a med-surg unit. Most of my patients have had recent surgery. Everything that I do in my job, basically, is to help them regain independence as they recover. I help them get up out of bed for the first time after their surgery (all the while saying things like: "Yes, you have to get up. I promise you can. Look, you went much farther than you thought you could.") I teach them about the medications they will have to take. I try (though it sometimes feels unsuccessful) to make their discharge home go smoothly.

In my mind, all of that is summed up really well by what Virginia Henderson said. It helps me have a better idea of what my goals and priorities  should be. For a type-A perfectionist, that is a very helpful thing, since it is impossible to do absolutely everything. And since I would imagine that I am not the only type-A, perfectionist nurse in the world, I think more people ought to read and appreciate the work of Virginia Henderson and her friends.

If I ever teach nursing, you can bet my students will either love or hate her work, since they will most certainly be hearing about it a lot.

It's Official!

I have now been at my job for a year! Does that mean I'm not a new grad anymore? Woah, that's strange. It's still hard for me to believe that I've been doing this for a whole year already. I've learned a lot, that's for sure. It's actually pretty incredible to me when I stop and think about how different it feels now than it did a year ago.

One of the biggest ways I can see that I've really grown is in the area of confidence. During school and even the first couple months that I was working here I was so nervous to do anything. Some of the medications, dressing changes, patient education, and talking with doctors...oh my goodness, all of those, to varying degrees, were really nerve wracking. When you're a student or an orientee, you can sort of pass the buck in a way, when it comes to some things. Now I don't have the option. Not having the choice, I've been forced to step out of my comfort zone in so many ways. It's been challenging, stressful, overwhelming, and really awesome all at the same time. I don't know what the next year or years will look like, but it should be interesting!

It's been almost a year now since I started my first job as a nurse. Let me tell you, it has been one crazy roller coaster of a year. I love what I do and I have learned a ton in this year, but I still very often feel inadequate for this. There are still those days when I think: What am I doing?? Why did I sign up for this again? Why do I have a job that matters so much?

I think one of the things that is so challenging for me is that I feel like at work I'm sort of going it alone. I have some coworkers who are awesome and who are really supportive, but our approaches/attitudes/perspectives are so different that it's still frustrating. Sometimes it feels like I have two different lives...there is work, and then there is the rest of my life. I have no idea how to reconcile the two. There are a couple people who can kind of be the bridge in between, who will understand if I need to vent about something that happened at work, but most of the time I don't know how to talk about it. I often don't know how to verbalize the either the struggles or the cool things that I experience at work.

Twelve hour shifts

I have a love-hate relationship with 12 hour shifts. It's really nice to have more days off, but those days when I do work...let's just say, I have learned a new meaning of the word "exhaustion."

The transition to my new schedule has been both better and worse than I expected. On the one hand, I've really appreciated how almost all of my coworkers have gone out of their way to offer to help me and been really supportive. There are a lot of things that are different about day shift than evening shift. There is a lot more teaching to do, as well as just new routines to get used to. I have been really blessed with great coworkers who have been great about lending a hand with some of that, or at least talking me through what I need to do. I wouldn't have survived the last couple of weeks without them.

On the other hand, I hadn't anticipated that I would feel like I was literally running for about 12 hours straight every time I came to work. It's not that it's really busier than evenings, but it's a different kind of busy. Part of it, I think, is that we changed charting systems the very same week that I changed shifts, so there is a ton to get used to.

I am being forced to realize that: a) I am a perfectionist and hate to feel like I am not able to do absolutely everything for people, and b) I am not very good at asking for help. So, if nothing else, maybe I need to go through all of this to help me learn to stop trying to be super-nurse and let people help me. It sounds really obvious, right? Maybe it'll sink in one of these days...

Things that make me happy

I love daffodils. They just make any day better, especially a field of daffodils. I don't think that's something I've ever seen before. Mmmmm....so nice.

Newbie fears

Last week I found out that they needed someone on my unit to change to a day/night position (which for us, means mostly days). I got really excited. Really excited. I think I did a little dance (I'm pretty sure only one of my coworkers saw me, thankfully). When asked, I told my manager that I was interested. I knew that I had no shot at it. Nobody goes to days after being there only 7 months. But, maybe somebody from nights would take it and I could have that slot...anything's better than evenings, right? Long story short, a miracle happened. Somehow no one else wanted to move to the day/night position. So, starting in May, I'll be working 3 12hr days, with some night shifts in there, as it's needed to fill gaps in the schedule.

Day shift. I thought it would take a couple years to get there. Am I ready for this? Do I know enough? This is when a lot of the teaching happens, when the team makes the plan for the day for the patient. It's when we have nursing students, lots of nursing students. What was I thinking?!?! I'm probably going to have students! Oh boy. Seriously though, I think I need to keep in mind the fact that I have valid experience as a nurse. I know a lot more than I take credit for! This is going to be a really good change for me. It will be stretching, but I think it really will be a very good thing.

Look out Day shift, the Newbie's coming!

One foot in front of the other

I registered a couple weeks ago to do a 10K race in June. This is something that I've been talking about doing for ages, but never seem to get the motivation to actually do it. Now I'm registered and I paid for it, so it's for real!

I think it's good for me to have a goal that I'm pursuing. Not being in school has really made me miss that. Clearly, running is very different than studying for exams, etc., but it's nice to be able to work toward something.

Pre-blessing blitz

Life Teen retreat coming up this weekend...in a couple hours, actually. I know it's going to be really good, especially because the past couple days...week(s)...months...have been pretty challenging. It's really tempting to focus so much on myself, on feeling frustrated about work or my schedule or whatever else, and not be truly present on the retreat. I know that God is bigger though, and that He is always faithful, so I can lay down all of those burdens/worries/etc. at His feet.

Keep us in prayer this weekend! Come Holy Spirit. :-)

It's that time again

I feel like I ought to write something. List format seems the least intimidating right now, so here goes:

- I need a break, majorly.
- Consequently, I'm really really glad to get away to VA to visit some munchkins (and their parents) for a couple days
- My schedule is challenging but...uh....good for me, I guess. Or something.
- Spring is coming! It might be a while away yet, but it's surely on its way :-)

A while back I said that Much-Afraid from Hind's Feet on High Places and I have a lot in common right now. I've been reading that book again in little bits lately, and I've been realizing how true that is. Here's a little gem that I read the other day:

"I love doing preposterous things," he replied. "Why, I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which has been marred into perfection."

Snow storms, long hours, and the like

The hospital never stops. Unfortunately, the weather doesn't always cooperate with that. Yesterday at work, the charge nurse said those fatal words to me..."Do you want to stay over? We're desperately short..." I waffled for a little while, but...how do you say no to that? Especially when everybody says the roads are bad. So, I said yes.

An incredible thing happens after midnight at the hospital. All of a sudden the frantic pace slows. It's quiet. Patients are sleeping, at least in theory. There aren't a million things to do at every given moment. The lights are dimmer. It's quiet. There's time for conversation with coworkers. It's peaceful. Granted, I'm sure it isn't always this way, but it is definitely a different pace. Then 6am happens. I have to give heparin shots, finish up charting, and try to avoid the fifty people in white coats suddenly appearing out of the woodwork. Suddenly everything is loud and busy and overwhelming and I need to get out of there.

By the end of it, I was awake for over 24 hours straight and very ready for bed.

That was the craziest couple of days at work that I've had in quite a while. Busy, just crazy busy. I am so grateful for a weekend off to recover. Something I've been pondering a bit lately...

I was talking to a friend of mine a while ago about how there's a lot of freedom in obedience. When I don't have a choice about something, all of a sudden I'm not indecisive anymore. I don't have time to be. I don't have time to let nervousness or fear keep me from doing something. In the moment it can be stressful, but it's rather incredible to look back later and think, Wow, I did that. I just did it. Now I'm beginning to understand the value of obedience. It makes it a whole lot easier to do something that I feel uncomfortable with. I think that's God's mercy to me, because I am being stretched majorly in so many ways at work. At least I can be confident that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing...Somebody else is in charge. And boy, is that a good thing!

In the (snowy) desert

"The desert not only reveals the truth about yourself but it also transforms you internally, and polarises your attitudes. The gift of the desert lets you overcome lukewarmness, because the desert forces you to make choices."

"The desert is the place and time for separating oneself from attachments, from one's own systems of security. A person wandering in the desert has nothing. His life's situation is uncertain, he has not securities, he lacks everything. He who crosses the desert experiences the necessity of being satisfied with what he receives from God and the necessity of awaiting everything from Him. He experiences the necessity of relying solely on God, because God wants to become everything for the traveller through the desert."

"In the desert, you come to know God who never abandons you. It is true the God hides Himself in the desert, but in reality He is very close to you. God is never closer to you than He is then. He waits only for your faith. He waits for you in faith, to stretch our your arms to Him."

- Fr. Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith

These quotes really struck a chord with me when I was reading this book a few days ago. It's hard to describe, but I realized that what I've been feeling lately is ok. The desert. Right. Everyone talks about it, and I know I've experienced dry times that are rather desert-like before, but this is a different kind of desert for me, I think. Currently, my schedule has forced me to be a little bit more isolated, and that's not something that I'm used to. For the first time, I find myself facing a choice to deal with feeling isolated by: a) retreating even more into myself, relying on my own "strength", or b) making the choice to trust that God is present here and the He knows what He is about.

Realizing that I'm in the desert doesn't make it easier in one sense, because I still feel isolated and I'm beginning to realize just how much growing I have to do. At the same time, it is very relieving, because I know that there's a purpose for what I'm going through. I think I need to re-read Hinds' Feet on High Places though. I'm pretty sure Much-Afraid had to learn some of the same lessons I am right now.

I'm bad at blogging

Kinda thought this might happen...haven't posted in a month or so...can't think of much to say...

Life's crazy, work's crazy, social life is nonexistent, God is good.

That's the current state of affairs, folks.